Faith vs Fear

img_0273Yesterday was one of those days that I would kind of like to forget.  It was one of those days where my fear was greater than my faith.  A day when I honestly wasn’t sure I was able to get through.

It started out with me dropping off my husband at work because his car was left at the office over the weekend.  Mondays tend to be good and bad for me.  It’s the day that I hear from my missionary which should be my best day of the week.  However;  I know that she is going to have hard weeks and I think last week was kind of tough for her.  I tend to take on all of her stress because I know her so well.  I know that she is waking up with swollen eyes in the morning because she is allergic to cats.   I also know that she is dealing with a lot of rejection, and there are days when she is so homesick, she can barely breathe.  I know this is what she wants to do in her life right now. Yet, I believe there are days when being home in her beautiful blue room and soaking in her tub sound pretty darn good.

I know that her anxiety level is higher than it has ever been in her life.  She is experiencing things on a daily basis that she never dreamed she would have to experience.  One of them is knowing that she may get evacuated because of the flooding that is going on in South Carolina.  I often wonder what she is doing to find peace on the days when her hormone levels are not the best?   I often wonder what it’s like to be a Sister Missionary when you are on your period and feel so exhausted you can barely move?   I often wonder what it’s like for her not to be able to watch a movie, kiss a boy or go to the beach?  She is sacrificing so much for the gospel of Jesus Christ.

I don’t know what it’s like to serve a mission for the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  However, I can only imagine how hard it must truly be.

Today is am truly grateful that she is safe as far as I know.  I know that as her earthly mother I can only support her, sustain her, love her,  write her constantly, send her packages and most of all pray for her.

I think that I have to realize that there will be days when fear will take over and faith will be shaken.   But for now, I thank my Heavenly Father and my Savior that today I felt enough peace to be able express my feelings as a missionary mom who is weak and often burdened down with things that I really can’t control.  To be a mother of a missionary is a hard calling.  It is a sacrifice that some days I am not very good at.  However; I do know that there will a day when I will thank my Savior for this opportunity, but at the moment it is a difficult journey for me.

My daughter is the first female in the world who is a part of me, the second, being my beautiful granddaughter Sydney.    She is my only daughter, and having her so far away has taken a part of my soul that has caused me to reflect deeply on how much I really do need to increase my faith.  Having Kailee has helped me to be a better person.  Raising her has refined me in a way that I never dreamed possible.  A son’s a son until he marries his wife, but a daughter is a daughter all of your life.  I don’t really like this quote.  I think it’s because I have 4 sons that I love deeply also.    I just think the quote should go something like this:  A son is a son all of your life, but a daughter is the person who will become someone else’s wife.  If we raise them right, then a son will be a better husband and a daughter will be a better wife, because two people fell in love and gave them life.

I can’t wait until next Monday because I have a feeling that something good is really going to happen   There are also some days that you thank your Heavenly Father and your Savior for  just the ability to breath.    Yesterday was one of those days.  My motto for life is to go to bed at night knowing that I did not hurt anyone,  and I did the best I could to please God.  I’m hoping today will be one of those days.

Love Wing 2

MOM

Author: lisahogge

I am mother of five, a grandmother of 2, a wife, a swim teacher, yoga teacher and friend to all. I love warm baths, hot yoga, mountain runs and I pretty much exist on diet coke. I love to be around people, travel and eat at fancy restaurants. However, my favorite thing to do is to just be with my family.

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