Today is March 28th 2023. It’s a Tuesday morning and my heart is beating faster today because I have the Holy Ghost with me.
This past year has been one of the most difficult, painful and agonizing years for me personally. Yet, through all of the hard stuff, the complete awareness that life is so short and this time on earth is only a moment compared to eternity.
I was spending 2 to 4 days a week visiting my mom, seeing her face, touching her hands and watching her struggle to barely be able to get out of bed during this past year, I watched her fight for her dignity, suffer in silence and yearn for the love of my incredible father.
On February 3rd 2023 I watched my mom take her last breath from this mortal life. It was surreal, indescribable, frightening, agonizing and unreal all at the same time. It’s almost been two months, and I’m just not quite sure how to move past the pain.
However, for today, I have chosen to be happy, to embrace goodness, to remember her green eyes and her incredible sense of humor. Today I choose to be HAPPY 😃
It was a growing year, a tender year, a refining year. My mom was the first person to hold me, to feed me, to dress me and to encourage me and most of all to love me,
I know that my greatest blessing as a child was the love that my mom and dad had for each other. This love sustained me through all of my growing up years. It wasn’t perfect, but it was safe, quiet, comfortable and calm.
I had a beautiful childhood and beautiful parents who loved each other deeply.
However, in 1979 my oldest brother Stephen took his own life at the young age of 21. He struggled with depression, addiction, ADHD, and many other life altering conditions. On April 14, 1979 my life changed forever. I have never been the same and will forever be in a state of asking the same question over and over again(WHY?)
Why do so many people have to suffer on this earth, why is depression so hard to treat, why is the brain such a intricate part of the body that controls everything in our human bodies.
Our brain even tells our body to breathe. It’s the most phenomenal part of our human existence.
When the brain makes the connection to tell us to breathe, we breathe, it tells us to eat, we eat snd it to tells us to exercise, we exercise.
The brain is indeed our best friend, or our worst enemy. Ever since Stephen died, I have been trying to figure out my own brain and it’s still a work in progress.
I know that my brain needs exercise everyday, it needs human touch, it does better in quiet peaceful environments and it is at its upmost efficiency when I’m teaching babies and young children to swim.
My brain hates being rushed, it doesn’t like contention, hates loud noises and unkind words. My brain is highly affected by body language. I can tell instantly if someone likes me or not by their body language and I am extremely sensitive to this. I love people and enjoy connecting with all ages. I love to immerse myself in the diversity of others.
On the good days, the incredibly beautiful days, my brain can be pretty tough. But on the weak days, the raw days, the vulnerable days, the days I can barely breathe, I just melt to the ground , if even one word negative is repeated or said to me. My brain is like a butterfly, and all encompassing in magnificence when all of my ducks are lined up in a row, but on the rough days, I’m more like a potato bug, grey, round and curled up in a tiny ball hoping no one can see me or get too close to me.
Through all of this uncertainty, the unknown mysteries of life, I am forever grateful that today I am in the loving arms of my Savior Jesus Christ. He is my redeemer, my comforter, my best friend and the one person that I truly hope to please today.
for today I’m going to smile bigger, laugh louder, hug deeper and jump a little higher…
Today I’m going to live like nothing else matters in the world besides pleasing God.
With God, nothing is impossible and through all of the impossible dreams that we have or share with others, the dream that I have for today is to know that God does love me and he has forgiven me. With this knowledge, I can truly emerge from my potato bug existence and truly become a butterfly.