Are You My Mother

Today is Sunday May 11th. It’s a beautiful sunny day and the third Mother’s Day without my mom to physically see and spend time with.

I still don’t think I’ve processed that she is gone from this early life, but what I do know is that she is the reason why I am the woman I am today.
I have never realized how much influence a Mother has on their children and how the love of a mother can change generations.

My mother’s name was Marion Sevy Turner. She was a gifted writer, a lover of good books, a firecracker 🧨, When she was supposed to keep quiet and be submissive, she stood her ground and nobody messed with her.
My mom and I butted heads from teenage years on into my adult years.
I struggled communicating with her. I learned how to get along with her, but sometimes that meant just staying away.
However, now that she is gone, my greatest regret is that I did not know her on a deeper level.

My mom was beautiful in so many ways. Her eyes were so green that sometimes you had to take a step back when you were looking at her because they were so exquisite

My mom was brilliantly smart and incredibly gifted as a writer and public speaker. She was a reader of good books and spent the majority of her free time reading everything she could get her hands on.

My mom’s greatest attribute was how much she loved my dad. He completed her, made her a better person and she was the love of his life.

My mom exemplified her love for my dad everyday. They were good for each other, they complimented each other and their love was undeniable REAL.

I miss my earthly mother everyday. I miss her smile, I miss her incredible sense of humor and I miss her example of always serving others.

I wish I could of created more memories with her and I know that because of my own struggles and insecurities, I tried to stay away from her on an emotional level because I didn’t want her to know how hard it was for me to be as loving as she was to my dad and that it wasn’t as easy and she always made it seem so simple.

Marriage has been very difficult for me. It’s been something that I have had to work at every day.

I have realized through the years that my weaknesses and short comings are starting to define me. I used to fight these weaknesses and hide them from everyone, but I honestly cannot do that anymore.

At age 63 I have realized that I’m trying to reinvent myself, understand who I really am and what my purpose actually is.

I definitely need to stop trying to please people and just let God prevail in my life.

My mom was complicated, hard to get to know and she had deep walls built around her from being raised by a very dominant mother and a calm, quiet brilliant father who struggled with chemical depression.
My mom also had chemical depression and after my oldest brother Stephan died she really tanked.

My dad stood up for her in every way shape
and form.

My mom was a pistol and when she started firing, it was hard to stop her.
I used to watch my dad just sit back and let her vent. He allowed her to say whatever she wanted to say and he protected her even if she was 100% wrong. He complimented her A Lot and loved her unconditionally.

My dad would just quielty let her do her thing and once she calmed down he was always her saving grace.
My dad loved her, cherished her, embraced her, and he served her constantly.

My greatest accomplishments, blessings and strengths have come from being a Mother myself.

Motherhood has been extremely difficult for me. I thought I was a good mother when my children were little, but as time has gone by I’m not so sure I really was.

Now that my children are adults, I know I cannot save them, discipline them or tell them what to do.

The only thing that seems to work is loving them where they’re at today, not judging them, and praying for them constantly to make good decisions in their lives

I’m having a really hard time understanding what my role is as a mother to adult children.

However, I know focusing on what they’re doing right, instead of pointing out their flaws is definitely God’s way.

I believe the greatest gift I can give my children is to love their father.

I have always loved Daren, but the way I show love to him is completely different than the way he shows love to me.

I also know that because my relationship with my mom was hard, I tend to struggle with close relationships with other adults especially women who are close to my age.

I’m not good at relationships with women and sometimes it really hurts deep down to the core of my EVERY BEING.

I think women are hard on each other and women are extremely HARD on me.

My greatest days have always been when I feel this deep love unwavering love from my husband.

He grounds me, helps me to see more clearly in a logical way.

He’s taught me to be tough, resilient and to be extremely independent.

My greatest desire in this mortal experience is to have a strong marriage.

Sometimes I feel like I do, other days I feel pretty beaten down because trying to make Daren happy can be very difficult.

The greatest gift I can give myself today is to forgive myself of past mistakes, try not to repeat those mistakes and work on becoming a better version of myself.

I’m constantly reevaluating who I really am and trying to understand who God really wants me to be.

I have kept this poem close to my heart since I was a teenager.

I believe that it truly states the kind of women that I am striving to be

“IF FOR GIRLS”

“If you can hear the whispering about you,
And never yield to deal in whispers, too;
If you can bravely smile when loved ones doubt you,
And never doubt, in turn, what loved ones do;
If you can keep a sweet and gentle spirit
In spite of fame or fortune, rank or place,
And though you win your goal or only near it,
Can win with poise and lose with equal grace;

If you can meet with Unbelief, believing,
And hallow in your heart a simple Creed,
If you can meet Deception, undeceiving,
And learn to look to God for all you need;
If you can be what girls should be to mothers:
Chums in joy and comrades in distress,
And be unto others as you’d have the others
Be unto you – No more, and yet no less;

If you can keep within your heart the power
To say that firm, unconquerable “No”;
If you can brave a present shadowed hour,
Rather than yield to build a future woe;
If you can love, yet not let loving master,
But keep yourself within your own self’s clasp,
And not let dreaming lead you to disaster,
Nor pity’s fascination loose your grasp;

If you can lock your heart on confidences,
Nor ever needlessly in turn confide;
If you can put behind you all pretenses
Of mock humility or foolish pride:
If you can keep the simple, homely virtue
Of walking right with God – then have no fear
That anything in all the world can hurt you-
And – which is more – you’ll be a Woman, dear.’