A square peg in a round hole

This past week I have thought about who I really am and the person I hope to be five years from now.

I’m not going to lie:

The future scares me, aging intimidates me, retirement doesn’t look fun at all and change is so inevitable but frightens me to the core of my very being.

I am often trapped in this whirlwind of emotion of who is going to die next and then I forget that I truly am a daughter of God with a divine purpose, and it doesn’t compliment me to worry about things that I absolutely have no control over.

I used to be that woman or (girl) as I still consider myself to be, who really didn’t care what people thought or said behind my back, but if truth were told, and I am a truth seeker, I care deeply how people perceive me.

I’ve decided that this year that I am going to step out of my comfort zone a little more each day, ask more caring questions to people who are struggling and listen more intently rather than hear my own self speak.

I’m working on holding still longer, forgiving quicker and embracing even the smallest moments of peace that do come more often than I want to admit.

I want to find moments when serving someone else is the most important decision I make each day, and trying to be the best version of myself, even when I’m just not feeling in complete oneness with me that day.

I hope to truly embrace the life of another person, even if it’s just for a small moment.

To be real, vulnerable and completely honest about how hard it is some days for me to just put one foot in front in front of the other.

I want to be a truly beautiful person and definitely not just a beautiful person.

While beautiful people strive to look like the model on the magazine, truly beautiful people strive for individuality. What makes you truly beautiful is not how you conform to the ideas of the world, but how you make the world conform to your ideas and your beautiful mind. I’ve always been told that a beautiful mind is a terrible thing to waist and I know that I do have a beautiful mind. I know this so much that I often wonder if God truly does know my desire to teach people some of the things that I do truly know to be true, the things that have saved my soul and the longing that I have to feel safe enough to tell my story with complete clarity, confidence and poise and know that possibly other women and even some men, will be drawn to me, not because I have beautiful green eyes or legs that are endlessly long, but because I have common sense, I understand the why behind a business model and I am a no nonsense kind of girl when it comes to liking a product, marketing a product and of course the end result is selling a product that absolutely has to start with selling YOUSELF.

I definitely am a square peg in a round hole, but that’s ok, because standing up for what I believe in is more beautiful to me than standing in a line of fence sitters who are too afraid to jump the fence, climb under the fence, or possibly just tear the entire fence down to build a more concrete, realistic, faith promoting fence.

I want to teach people to spread their wings and open their gates to endless possibilities.

With an end result of building a fence that brings people into the field, instead of blocking their vision of what truly matters in life with unrealistic goals, myths that aren’t doctrine, and having the courage to look outside their fence, knowing that the grass behind it also needs to be mowed, nourished and watered to stay green.

The most beautiful lesson from truly beautiful people is knowing that green grass alone cannot keep stray dogs from leaving their marks, it certainly won’t help you win the Pulitzer Prize or get you more followers on social media and it definitely won’t keep the deer from grazing late at night when they think no ones watching.

The truth of the matter is: grass will grow back, beauty is fleeting and trophys just collect dust on a shelf.

However; the genuine love of one fellow man to another can turn an ordinary day into an extraordinary day, a grey sky to instant violet blue, and as Neil Armstrong put it so eloquently with his famous quote that will forever be my saving grace.

That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” With that being said I believe truly beautiful people are never forgotten.

I have a pretty strong feeling after watching the movie Apollo 13 several times, that Neil Armstrong definitely was a square peg in a round hole.

C.S. Lewis who is also a legend in his time was also a square peg in a round hole.

“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen, not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.”

C.S. Lewis and Neil Armstrong are two of my favorite people. I love anything to do with the moon and I think astronauts have some of the most brilliant minds.

C..S Lewis’s writings are raw and emotionally beautiful and his description of Christlike love is the kind of love that true Christian’s seek for everyday.

“Supposing there was no intelligence behind the universe, no creative mind in that case, nobody designed my brain for the purpose of thinking. It is merely that when the atoms inside my skull happen, for physical or chemical reasons, to arrange themselves in a certain way, this gives me, as a by-product, the sensation I call thought. But, if so, how can I trust my own thinking to be true? It’s like upsetting a milk jug and hoping that the way it splashes itself will give you a map of London. But if I can’t trust my own thinking, of course I can’t trust the arguments leading to Atheism, and therefore have no reason to be an Atheist, or anything else. Unless I believe in God, I cannot believe in thought: so I can never use thought to disbelieve in God.”